so lets get right into the nitty gritty. life isn't always fun. in fact most of the time it's not really fun at all. we have jobs that are terrible and pay terribly, classes that are difficult and hard to manage, "friends" who betray us, sick family members... sometimes it's all too much. i've seen pain manifest itself in some of the most gruesome ways. i've had it happen to myself. i dropped out of college in 2019 for my own sanity and i haven't looked back since. sometimes in order to deal with pain healthily, we have to do things that seem really hard. and no, im not saying everyone should drop out of college. that's just what i had to do to save myself. but there might be a solution to an issue you're experiencing that you haven't taken advantage of yet because it takes you off the road that's already been paved.

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TW: self harm

i haven't really talked about this until now because it's such a complicated subject, but when i moved across the country at 13 years old, i was bullied. a lot. at home i didn't feel like i had a safe haven to open up about the negativity i was feeling. My parents were "notable," so anything that was wrong with me had to stay private. they didn't have time for how i felt, and what little i did mention, they didn't take seriously. i began to take things out on myself, self harming. i would starve myself, throw up my food on purpose and on the worst of days, i would cut myself to punish myself. i stopped pursuing what i loved and instead pursued what "looked good" on paper. everything i did outwardly was to please the eyes of those upon me. i never really even sat back and asked myself what i wanted to do since i had moved. i fell into a deep, dark, depression that lead me to do things i regret. that continued on into my college years, and got worse and worse. the self harm was out of control.

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this might sound crazy, but aside from a loving boyfriend, what helped me to have the motivation to continue living was the sims. without even realizing it, i had manifested the life i wished i was living into the game. i would play myself wearing the cutest outfits, with a little boutique where i designed clothes and styled clients. i had adopted a daughter in game, and together we would go get our nails and hair done at spas and bond over her school life and my job. it was so fun. i realized what i wanted wasn't the degree that i was pursuing but the life i had created for myself in a silly little game !

of course, with this realization, came the fact that i had to leave school, which no doubt disappointed my parents, but it was necessary. i took time to heal, through journaling, writing, music, self reflection and counselling. i still feel a lot of the pain that i felt back then sometimes, but ive definitely learned better ways to manage it. all it took was that one big step. now here i am pursuing what i love.

 

perhaps to change some of the struggles in your life, it will take getting offline, a new job, cutting your hair or moving to a new city. maybe even writing a book, a song, taking up a new hobby or seeing a therapist. sometimes the paths we already have laid out for ourselves are not the journey life wants to take us on and that's ok. beautiful even. life is full of twists and turns in the most unexpected places.

 

so maybe some difficulties in life are uncontrollable, but for the ones that we can change, we should change to the best of our ability. big or small. it could be worth your entire life.

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sugar milk ♡